#ALSO ANON tell me about your ballet journeys!!!

[nile-the-empathy-cleric]

I'm a huge fan of your work, your writing is so beautiful, and the way you add your own personal love of art is just; it's genuinely amazing. I was wondering if you have any paintings that you think each of your favorite characters would represent or maybe even what u see when u look at them. ❤️🖼🎨🖌

Oh boy do I love this ask! Firstly, than you 🥺 you're too kind 💕

Second I have so many paintings that spring to mind for various characters! Immediately off the bat my brain went right to Lestat and how his presence and aesthetic (especially in 1920s New Orleans) gave gigantic J.C. Leyendecker vibes.

(left) The Sleuth J.C. Leyendecker, ca. 1906 and (right) Arrow Shirt Collar Ad, 1916. By J.C. Leyendecker For Arrow Shirt Collars, 1916

The way Leyendecker plays with shadow, light, and color to project an air of seduction and power is just *chef's kiss.* He is a master at depicting an idealized masculinity that still has a level of vulnerability. I don't think it's just the styling/ fashion of the men in Leyendecker's illustrations that remind me of Lestat, but the features as well. J.C. gives them this attitude of nonchalance but there's something deeply concerned with appearances underneath. Is that not Lestat?

For Claudia there are a couple. First (not a painting but a sculpture) is Degas' The Little Dancer Aged Fourteen. I look at this piece and think of the history of ballet and the connotations of ballet at the time Degas was working. In France at the time ballerinas were highly taken advantage of and exploited. The exploitation was sexual in nature and simultaneously adultified and infantilized. They were highly fetishized. It's very sad and tragic and it reminds me of Claudia. The Little Dancer has an almost defiant energy to her, like there is a sense of pride and restraint, something dignified despite her lesser social standing.

I also see something of Claudia in this piece: Girl in Pink Dress, ca. 1927 by Laura Wheeler Waring. I also think this girl embodies the qualities of both Bailey and Delainey's Claudias–– there's simultaneously an innocence and maturity. I see something similar in Isabella, (aka Young Woman with a Fan), 1906 by Simon Maris and I just think it's neat to see art of Black people done by a white person from the early 1900s that isn't fetishizing or racist (don't look at J.C. Leyendecker's art of Black people, yikes!)

For Louis, my first thought was Derek Fordjour's STRWMN, 2020. It gives NOLA Louis to me in terms of style, but also the colorful and fun energy has the vibes of his little journey of gay self-discovery in Paris. I also see Louis in Lois Mailou Jones' Negro Youth, 1929. It mirrors depressed Louis for me. There is something very fragile in his expression, but you can tell he's trying to be strong, much like Louis.

As for Armand? Well, the number one is Botticelli's Saint Sebastian (it just has an uncanny resemblance to Assad) and the metaphor is too apt to not point out. The other that immediately make me think of Armand is The Abduction of Ganymede by Correggio. It's less the painting and more the myth it's based on, but out of all the Ganymede paintings, Correggio's is my favorite.

And Daniel is just like... any Nan Goldin photo, but I'll pick Heart-shaped bruise, 1980. I don't think I need to give my thoughts here 😂

Thank you again for such a fun ask! I appreciate every message I get from anons and mutuals alike 🥰

[*Edit: Being transparent––I went back and corrected a mistake I made in the original because I don't want an inaccurate/ racist post going around, even after a correction in the reblogs if people aren't seeing the original. I accidentally implied that Laura Wheeler Waring was white. I meant the statement about Simon Maris, who was a Dutch portrait artist. Laura Wheeler Waring was a prominent Black artist. Lesson to self: do not write deeply thoughtful posts at 1 am while you have a fever.]

[hunxi-after-hours]

Hello! Firstly, thank you for everything that you do- your meta is always fascinating and your fic may have gotten me into ballet. Secondly- She Who Became The Sun: why is that book so good? I went in with such high expectations and yet somehow it completely met them!

words cannot contain how excited I am that folks are enjoying She Who Became the Sun!!!! look I just want the best things for Shelley Parker-Chan, all the time, okay

I feel like the reason SWBTS is so good is because it's so goshdarned competent on multiple levels of fiction writing, like:

plot: did you see that second-to-third act twist coming because I sure didn't

character: I feel like a lot of epic fantasy (or historical epic!) can struggle with humanizing their characters and allowing them to be flawed, hesitant people beyond their epic, prophesied purpose, but SPC manages to strike that careful balance between human and legend

themes: sometimes you read a book with excellent plot and characterization but then you get to the end of it and you're like "well, guess that was that" because when you actually look at it, the ideas and concepts in the book aren't all that complex. and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! I love rollicking good yarns! but SWBTS deals with some very morally gray characters and situations, especially with its main characters (love it when authors make their protagonists morally gray in a morally gray world, instead of morally pure in a morally gray world), and that's what gives it staying power in my mind

language: I lost my goddamn mind over SPC's use of translation and style in this book, the absolutely mind-boggling thing is that SWBTS reads like it's in translation and I'm just. yelling

content/concept: I mean, just like "founding of the Ming Dynasty but make it queer/historical fantasy/not at all what you'd expect" is just. SPC your MIND. and the fact that SPC sets their novel in identifiably Ming Dynasty China, from material details (can we talk about the scene where Ma is repairing armor with pages torn from books because holy shit) to place names to twists of language is so fucking cool. look, I respect authors who take their East Asian inspirations and set them in secondary world SF/F. in fact, I prefer those works (Ninefox Gambit my beloved), but for SPC to go "nah, I'm going to set it in what is identifiably China" is super fucking kickass, okay

novelty: Brandon Sanderson wrote a wild epilogue in Stormlight Archive where one of his characters (Hoid, I love you) muses on the nature of art, asking what is the most important thing in establishing the greatness of a work? And he comes to the conclusion that's not quality, nor is it ingenuity--it's novelty. It's doing something before anyone else does it. And I don't think anyone is doing it quite like SPC is--not Ken Liu, not R.F. Kuang, not Zen Cho (though don't get me wrong, those three authors are also creating incredible content). SPC really was like "I couldn't find any cdrama-like stories in English so I wrote my own" and then proceeded to do exactly that

tl;dr SWBTS is a tour de force on multiple levels

[pinkcake]

Hi! Just wanted to thank you for creating and sharing screenshots of you aesthetically perfect Stardew farms and telling about their inhabitants. These are hard times for so many people, these pictures really bring joy into everyday life. If it's not too much to ask, could you please share more about Annie and her farm? And also Marina, it was so nice and heartwarming to see a non-demonized Eastern-European character. I love you, have a great week!

(quick note — i actually saw this ask quite awhile ago!! i loved it so much and was so happy, i wanted to give a long answer, but unfortunately i got busy with some school work so i left it go for a little while! i’m sorry anon that it took me so long, but i hope you understand and i hope you still enjoy hearing about my farmers ~)

this actually makes my day anon omg 😭 i am so glad my little stardew blog could be so uplifting... this game got me through some tough moments too so i’m really really happy i can be part of sharing it with more people and making them smile! 💞

it’s definitely not too much to ask haha, i love talking about my farmers! each of them are so special to me, they are born out of many different parts of my life that are meaningful to me ~! this will be under the cut, i got a bit carried away... 😄🌱🍓🌷🌱

so annie is actually a fairy by birth! she used to be very tiny, have wings, and she lived in a fairy hollow community very deep in the secret woods. she had always felt drawn to the human world, and after doing some work as a “crop fairy” her desire to become human was cemented. on her 18th birthday, she chose to forfeit her wings and most of her magic in order to become human, worked among the city lights for awhile at joja (which she strongly disliked, as she would put it), and eventually took over lavender farm west of pelican town from another aging fairy-turned-man. as a fairy, she had significant magical abilities that made growing plants and flowers a breeze… because of that, she’d always taken the process for granted, but upon more time spent observing the human world, she became more interested in their processes of agriculture and floriculture. she still has some powers left over that make crops grow a little bit faster and a little bit higher quality, but most of it is just hard work on her hands and knees in the beaming sun! her goal is to create a floral sanctuary… she specializes in flowers, teas, and honey + wax! her farm is overgrown and the stardew valley times newspaper may be a bit judgmental of how she keeps her land, but anyone who ducks into the lush sanctuary of lavender farm is immediately soothed and fascinated by its natural beauty. even annie’s farmhouse is bursting with potted plants and insect terrariums!

i created annie because the small, seamlessly-integrated sparks of magic is such a cool part of stardew valley to me. i loved that a game that was based in realism could still have elements like fairies, wizards, witches, mermaids, and monsters..! i wanted to get deeper into that part of the game ~

(bonus: i did not initially have a plan for who annie would marry and i considered even just having her single, but after some cutscenes with elliott, the concept of him being a merman-turned-human hit me! merman elliott just makes sense to be… he lives on the beach, he is a romantic, he’s got that long luscious red hair, he is deeply worried about ocean pollution, he’s a little awkward... once it was in my head i couldn’t get it out! i didn’t even realize it was an infamous theory haha. i just thought, how wonderful would it be for these two individuals who shared a similar journey — leaving behind their homes, changing species, moving to stardew valley and trying to fit in — to form a bond, fall in love, and create a life together in a world that is new to both of them? <3 annie/elliott is easily one of my favorite farmer/bachelor(ette) relationships i have! i could truly talk about them all day~ )

marina was born out of three things — 1.) my desire to play stardew valley expanded, 2.) my interest in sdve’s bachelor victor and how he has a name that is very popular in russia, 3.) my interest and appreciation for eastern european culture…

personally, my family is south-central european and i have grown up in the USA. aside from being trained as a ballet dancer all throughout my teenage years and hearing about vaganova, bolshoi, mariinsky theatres + having two russian kids as classmates and friend in primary school (one was named victor, haha!), i didn’t know much about russia or eastern european culture growing up. we didn’t have many opportunities to learn. anything i learned was more about the government’s problems, not the culture, which i find extremely sad… a government’s actions should not define or generalize a whole country or region of millions of citizens, especially when said citizens don’t have a lot of power. citizens, for the most part, are just people who are living.

in the city i currently live in, there is a “little russia” and “russian hill”, both of which i have visited many many times with my boyfriend who lives near there and who is eastern asian. everyone who lives there and 95% of the people shopping + eating there are eastern european immigrants. every shop there is authentic — most of them have everything written in cyrillic alphabet (usually russian, sometimes ukrainian) or occasional central european languages (polish most common) or balkan languages (croatian is common — my favorite market item is elderflower fanta soda, which is a croatian drink!). one of my favorite stores has music CDs and movies, signs, snacks, children’s books, and even birthday cards all in russian! there are grocery stores that only sell things that would be sold in an eastern european market, none of the labels in english (which can be difficult if you are looking to buy something for the first time without understanding the language), but it is such a neat thing to have. i remember always thinking, i’m so glad that this is here for the people who are moving away to a brand new country, so that they can always have a taste of home. i began realizing when visiting there just how massive eastern europe really is, how many countries and languages are a part of it, and how much culture and rich history there is to be found there. i played SDVE briefly with a different farmer and when i met victor, he immediately stood out to me as someone i might meet in that neighborhood. i head-canoned him as mixed-race: part eastern european and part eastern asian. he reminds me a lot of my boyfriend… a bit unsure and nervous about kickstarting his future but incredibly gifted and intelligent, and olivia reminds me of my boyfriend’s parents, who came from strict communism and poverty in china and now live in the USA taking full advantage of capitalism/consumerism (lol!), but are just a bit oblivious to their son’s mental health as it isn’t something they are familiar with. i saw a lot of parallels to things i’d seen in my life in victor, and i really wanted to create a farmer that could fit into this narrative with him. all these things combined… marina was born! i wanted to be sensitive when envisioning her, and settled on the stories of real people from eastern europe that i’ve met — she was quite poor, overworked, and didn’t have some of the freedoms she desired, and decided to move to stardew valley for a better chance at success. i wanted to portray that living in eastern europe’s economy can be very difficult, but the culture is still beautiful and should never be let go of just because of immigration… immigration doesn’t mean changing your roots or being ashamed. marina is just a sweet girl who was struggling to get by and needed a change of scenery and new opportunities… but she’s not letting go of her past or her culture, because there is no need to!

feel free to ask about any of my farmers... i will try to be more succinct next time 🤪 definitely, definitely got carried away haha! 

[glamrockmonarch]

Im just a bit sad and in need of fluff.. cute fluff with Ben? Just got home after a weekend trip away with my entire family and a drunk aunt who sat me down and told me that nobody would ever love me bc of the old selfharm scars on my arms..

A/N: You are hitting home, my darling Anon. First of all, those scars are a reminder of your journey - as hard as it might have been this far -, and also, what a bitch move! You will find someone who will love you right and they won’t mind your scars because they’ll see you for who you are. I have my own scars and my own demons, and let me tell you: I fought through it, so fuck anyone who dares judge me, because the pain was mine and the shame was mine too for too long, I am done with it. Be done with it, you’re on the other side, my dear. You deserve love and you will be loved.

Anytime you need to talk, hmu, dear!

Let’s do this (btw I did not proof read, but I hope it’s fluffy enough!):

Ben laughs at the tv while you come back into the room with a bowl of warm popcorn.

You are watching Billy Elliot, one of your favourite films of all time.

This movie is one of the many reasons why you started dancing back in middle school. You were told that you were a bit old to be starting but you did not care because you loved the look of graciousness on the ballerinas in movies and television. You spent almost every summer taking ballet lessons in London and when you were found talented enough you were invited by one of your coaches to take lessons in Russia. It was unexpected but your parents supported your passion as you had started working on small productions and they thought you would probably be able to make a living out of this.

Regardless of the issues that ballet brought into your life when you were younger, you still dance nowadays, although you work behind the scenes as a coach.

“Do you miss performing?” Ben wonders as you watch Billy fight his father when he finds out his son has been sneaking around to dance ballet.

You hand him the popcorn and sit down next to him, falling into his warm embrace once he puts his arm over the backrest of the couch so you can snuggle up to his side.

“Always.” You admit and look down at your hands.

In an unintentional move, something you do out of habit, you pull on the sleeves of your sweater and shrug your shoulders.

“Hey…” Ben sees this and wraps his arm around you.

He puts the bowl on the coffee table and puts his hand on top of yours, making your fingers leave the edge of your fluffy grey sweater.

“Don’t do that.” He whispers and kisses your nose.

With a blush creeping up your face your eyes wander up to his face with a timidness Ben recognises.

“You are over it.”

Your boyfriend rubs your wrist and up your forearm, lifting the knitted fabric to uncover the pale scars on your wrist. The ones you are sometimes so ashamed of. Ben has been clear that he does not care when he looks at you he sees a strong woman who is perhaps too grownup for her short life, he admires your strength and the love you radiate every day through whatever battles you are fighting internally.  

He intertwines his fingers with yours and pulls your hand up to his lips, kissing the back of it and then your wrist. You smile at him and move in the sofa so you can give him a peck on the cheek.

“Yes. I am over it.” You remind yourself now, and Ben nods with a soft smile on his face. “Thanks for refreshing my memory.”

Your boyfriend chuckles and kisses your temple, now pulling you closer into a big bear hug that squeezes you with love and playfulness.

For the rest of the film, you watch together and laugh, Ben listens intently to your little comments every time there is something mentioned that your boyfriend should not understand well since Ballet is filled with French terms and because of course, the first position and fifth position are not the same at all.

“How are they different? They are doing the same!” Ben points at the tv in frustration and you huff.

Standing up you threw your sweater at him, standing in your comfortable Sunday attire. In your yoga pants and a borrowed shirt of Ben’s, this one has the queen logo stamped on it.

“Look at my feet, would ya?” You show him the positions slowly, standing next to the coffee table as Ben presses the pause button. “The first position,” you sing looking forward and showing him the steps to each one until you arrive at fifth, admitting that the hands might be in the same place but the feet have now traveled so one is in front of the other. “See now?”

Ben brushes his chin with his fingers, standing he comes to put his arms around you, lifting you up he brings you over his shoulder and swiftly carries you back to the sofa.

“Ben!” You laugh with your face close to his bum, as your arms hang loose, you bring your palms down on his arse and slap it.

“Oi!” He complains, “two can play that game, y/n!”

Now he is slapping your bum, laughing at you.

You are thrown onto the sofa and Ben laughs watching you as you pick up your legs so he can lay down too, falling on his stomach with his head on your chest, hugging your waist as he does so.

“Can we watch the movie now, madam?”

With your hands on his hair you giggle hearing Ben call you the same way your tiny students do, of course, you now have a small studio with a friend where you teach young children ballet - for fun, you never push them and the although you take the theory seriously, you let the kids enjoy themselves and even tickle them when they’re on the bars to encourage them to like their time learning the basics of ballet. Your friend teaches older kids and once they go over to her, they have to learn the real deal and stay focused, for you this is easier although working with three-year-olds on a daily basis sounds like the worst job.

“Alright, alright…” You reach out and stretch your arm to grab the remote.

Pressing play you finish watching the movie like this. Sprawled out on the sofa together, your bodies intertwined in a lazy manner as you lull Ben to sleep without knowing it, once you dig your hand out of his blonde hair, you find his eyes have closed and he is peacefully napping on your chest, his breath fanning over your skin. Turning the telly off and forgetting about Netflix, you wrap your arms around Ben’s shoulders and allow yourself to close your eyes and fall asleep too.

[astoldbyacertifiedunicorn]

Try by Colbie Callait

SONG 5 

I know I haven’t written for some time, I’m sorry I got sick and I want to also thank the lovely anons who said nice things bout the last OS. Tumblr is fixing my ask box, so I’m sorry I haven’t thanked you personally yet. Slight warning, that this fic deal with insecurities as an issue and I just want to recognize two things, (1) April as a character has grown and her insecurities aren’t the same anymore - so this is AU, based around s8/9, and she doesn’t fail her boards nor have active battle with her religion. (2) Everyone’s journey with nsecurities are dfferent. This is based on my understanding how insecurities work, I’m sorry if anything is offensive. 

Put your make up on, get your nails done

Curl your hair 

Run the extra mile, keep it slim

So they like you.

Do they like you?

April's not really sure how exactly she convinced herself to work up the nerve to do what she was about to do, but somehow here she was. She nervously fidgets around, pulls on her clothes, tidies up her sweater, and picks invisible linen from her pants. She straightens out her hair and places the curls gently on the shoulders. He'll be here in the attending' lounge soon. She'd made a quick check with him this morning in the on call room, to check what time he was off.

She wasn't really sure when this whole sleeping together thing became their thing, but here they were, holed up in the on call rooms of the hospital, everyday, sometimes twice a day. She wasn't complaining. Of course not, that wasn't what this was about. Never in her most optimistic dreams did April ever expect someone like Jackson to want a.... whatever it is they were, with someone like her.

As the years went by, and having only had one boy in high school who'd taken her to the carnival and dumped her the next day because she was too 'enthusiastic' and 'didn't know how to chill' and a college boyfriend who'd called her a 'prude' because she'd made it clear to him she was waiting until marriage, expectations of any kind of love dwindled down. She guesses she's lucky she even has the kind of relationship she has with Jackson. She shouldn't, couldn't, expect more.

Some little girls, herself included, dream of white weddings, and sweet boys who'd love them and babies and white picket fence houses. The sad reality, April came to know as an adult is society will rise to the occasion to make sure that some of these little girls know, as they grow up, that there are a few shortcomings with them, that might make this dream impossible.

She was scrawny, had fizzy hair, braces, acne and pigeon toes. Apparently, boys liked only a particular image she'd never be capable of looking like. So, when she was old enough, she promised herself she'd try her hardest to look like that. Maybe then, someone would love her. So she runs every morning, goes to yoga on the weekends and swims every other day. She dyes her hair red, and uses a tirade of products, so that she always had long locks of shiny, bouncy hair. She fixes her teeth, and gets her braces off, and spends a fortune to get rid of the acne and torturously wears a leg brace for a year to and goes to ballet to get rid of the pigeon toes. She looks a lot different now than what she did. She's still not perfect, she still refuses to look in the mirror and call herself beautiful nor does she expect anyone else to call her beautiful. She'd settle for 'not bad looking' any day.

It doesn't work. Turns out, they tell her, it's not just the way she looks, it's her personality as well. She's annoying, neurotic, crazy, difficult to like. Her colleagues take the time out of their day to remind her that she doesn't measure up. There's something different about her they find hard to relate to. They let her know her voice is grating and her presence is unwelcome. She misses Reed in those moments, the only person to ever fully accept her, but she's happy she at least has Jackson, that is until he tells her she be ashamed that she's still a virgin. She never thought he'd feel that way, out of everyone else. She wasn't sure how to go about explaining to them that she didn't  want to lose her virginity in a one night stand, that even if it wasn't after marriage, at the very least to would be to a man who loved her. She wasn't sure how to let them know that it doesn't come easy for some people. They're beautiful, and smart, and interesting. They're not her. They don't understand what it's like to love without being loved back, to lust endlessly, to convince yourself you're happier alone, to convince yourself to let go of any dreams  because you need to start being realistic. So she calls them out, and feels a rush when Meredith tells her she's starting like her more and more.

"Hey, I thought you were off an hour ago?"

Her thoughts get interrupted by the very person she'd been waiting for. She turns around to see Jackson walking towards her, and leaning down to kiss her. She kisses him back, and holds him there for a second, because sometimes she still can't believe this is real. She's still waiting for him to tell her this was an elaborate prank, that it was all a joke.

"Um, I was waiting for you." She says, as he pulls back, and starts to change.

"Yeah?"

"I... um, wanted to ask you something?"

He nods, pulling on his shirt.

She's not sure how to go about it now that she's here. She practiced it in front of the mirror a million times, and she's been imagining doing this for a good week now. She just needed to find the surge of unusual confidence she had yesterday and blurt it out.

"Will, uh, w-okay, so.... I was wondering if, you-I.... was thinking, well-" She's stuttering and it's not attractive. She can already tell that she's making a fool out of herself, and that this was a terrible idea. She just couldn't appreciate what she had couldn't she? She just couldn't be satisfied with only sleeping with him, could she?

"April?" He asks her, seemingly slightly amused at her reluctance.

She takes a deep breath, reminds herself the pep talk she gave herself. She deserved more, she deserved more, she deserved more. And if he said no, well, she'd settle for what they have, and love him until he left her for someone better. Then she'd try not to let it kill her.

"Will you go on a date with me?"

Get your sexy on, don't be shy, girl

Take it off

This is what you want, to belong

So they like you.

Do you like you?

Her eyes widen the moment it's out there, her pulse beats faster and she's feels a steady fluttering in her stomach. She waits for him to recognize what she's saying, register it and...

Laugh. He was laughing. A lot. She felt tears prick the back of her eyes. Stupid, stupid, stupid. In what mental state did she let herself believe she had any chance being in an actual relationship with him. Someone so perfect in so many ways. God, she'd never felt this stupid in her whole life. Jackson dated women like Lexie. Gorgeous, intelligent, interesting, likable. Not.... her. In what universe would he have to settle for someone like.... her. She quickly chokes back a sob that threatens at her throat, her face contorting painfully to a forced smiled.

"You don't- you don't have to... I mean, I was just asking. It's so dumb, I know." She forces herself to laugh with him, hoping he can't hear the devastation in her voice.

"What? No. No, April," Jackson says, his laughter dying down, and a smile settling on his face, "Its not that I don't want to, it's just.... it's not that."

"Oh." She blinks. Was he....

"I'd really like for you to take me out, yes." He winks, and chuckles once more.

Her heart soars and for a second she's dumbstruck. She was prepared for a rejection, gone through the thousand of ways he would say no, but she wasn't prepared for him to agree to this. Maybe, he was entertaining her, finding this whole thing amusing, but it was a chance. She could recognize an opportunity to impress when she saw one. She could convince him, that she was worth giving a shot. Maybe she wasn't a lot of things, but she could make up for all her shortcomings. She just wanted a chance to prove that to him.

"Okay! Um, great! That's great!" She squeals, and realsies that she should probably tone it down a little bit. He'll probably get scared off by her enthusiasm.

"I'll pick you up at 8... or are you going to be the one doing that?" He grins.

"I.... I'll do it," She's the one who needs to impress him, not the other way around.

He laughs again, and picks up his bag, "Okay."

She nods, and he squeezes her hand and walks away.

She's on cloud 9, and she can't screw this up.

Get your shopping on, at the mall,

Max your credit cards

You don't have to choose, buy it all

So they like you.

Do they like you?

She's happy their date falls on a Sunday when she has a half day at work. It gives her time to rush to the mall and try to put herself together. She doesn't really have any girlfriends. She's not close to Meredith all that much and Cristina isn't the type to hand out advice. She wants a different look, she decides. Her sweater, jeans and flats combo isn't cute, and definitely nothing like what the girls he dates dresses.

She decides on a tight, short red dress with spaghetti straps that hugs her body. She looks awkward, since she doesn't carry it well, and it makes her cry in the changing room for a second, because she's ridiculous for thinking she could pull off looking sexy, until the sales assistance asks if she needs help. She buys a pair of heels that makes her toes ache, but she's not going to wear flats with this dress.

She gets ready, gets herself prepared. Runs the mascara wand through her lashes, applies the red lipstick. She pulls on a curl, so it falls from the neat bun on her head, and now she hopes it looks more effortless. She doesn't think she looks too bad. Yet, the more she appraises herself the more she realizes that's not true. She stares at herself long enough for her to give in and realize this is the best she got.

She picks up the keys and decides to head out, when she hears the doorbell ring. She looks slightly confused and goes to open, a little shocked when she sees Jackson on the other side.

"Jackson?" She asks, eyebrow raised, wondering what he was doing here, since she was supposed to be picking him up.

"Hey, Ap-" He begins, but his eyes rove over her, and she takes a second before blushing furiously. Maybe her efforts paid off.

"Oh."

She blinks, and looks at him, and his face looks.... disappointed? She wasn't sure, but it had to be. Nobody had a positive "oh" reaction. Her face falls, and there's a heaviness in her chest that she pushes down. It's fine, she thinks, beauty isn't one of her strengths. She didn't know what she was expecting. For him to say she was beautiful? Maybe. He's never said it before. Sure, she knew that for whatever reason it was, he was turned on by her, but he'd never really called her beautiful. She didn't think it was the same thing.

"That bad, huh?" She jokes.

"Wha- oh no, April, sorry I'm just... its very different from.... Never mind, you look-"

"I'm just kidding, Jackson." She forces a laugh, because she's even sadder he feels the need to explain himself to her, when really, she gets it. She just thought she'd give it a shot.

"You look really handsome." She tells him, and bites her lip. He looked gorgeous as he always does. She suddenly felt herself shrinking. She was way out of her depth here. This man was so far out of her league, she couldn't even comprehend how she thought he'd want something other than a physical relationship with her.

"Thank you," He smiles, and holds his hand out, a massive bouquet of flowers, "This is for you."

It's all her favorites, and she feels so happy that he remembers. Very few people do.

"Thank you, they're so pretty." She takes them from him, a little surprised that he'd bought them in the first place.

"Ready?" He asks her, and she nods, "So, where to?"

She gulps, and recoups, decides that she's going to give it her all, and to do that, she needed to start believing in herself.

"That's a surprise," She teases him, her eyes twinkling, and he smirks.

"Oh yeah? Is it that way?" He nods towards the bedroom, and she stills for a second.

"Um, su-sure. We could- we could stay and.... of course. Here let me just-" She starts to turn around and go back to the room, her heart clenching knowing it was stupid to assume otherwise. She was sex, that was all.

"April, no, no, I'm kidding. It's a joke. Look, are you okay? You're acting a little..." He says, but stops himself, shaking his head, "Let's go, come on."

He smiles, and holds his arm out to her, and she tentatively places it against his, "Okay."

Wait a second,

Why should you care, what they think of you

When you're all alone, by yourself

Do you like you?

Do you like you?

They sit in a restaurant, and she feels a little unfamiliar with the setting. Sure, they've dined out together before, as friends, but the awareness that they were on a date made it difficult to relax. She saw people's gaze fall on them, and she can almost feel the judgement seeping through. What's he doing with her? What could possibly be wrong with him that he'd have to settle for her?

"April? You hate Thai food." Jackson says, once they're seated and their menus handed out to them.

"I don't think hate is the word I'd use," She says, although her eyes scan the menu with caution.

"It's too spicy for you, you'll get sick." He comments.

"No I won't," Although it happened once, and she knows that's why he's bringing it up, "Plus, you said you were craving it."

He grins, "You have a great memory bank, you know that. You remember everything!"

"I do!" She grins, "I perfected it back in the farm so I always remembered how many eggs each hen had."  

He laughs, and she relaxes, slightly. They were best friends. Conversation was something she could do.  

It goes smoothly, until she hears two girls snickering in the background, and she turns her head and meets their gaze. They quickly look away, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out what they're saying.

She gazes back at him, and he's unaffected, telling her a some story about him and Alex, and brushing his leg up hers. She smiles, tries to be in the moment.

They laugh again, and she wants them to stop. To leave her alone. She also feels bad. For Jackson. She wants to turn around and apologize to him, that being with her in public is a nightmare for him. I'm sorry, she thinks, you shouldn't have to be seen with me.

After dinner, she asks for the bill, but gets told it's already taken care of.

"I'm not letting you pay." He tells her, rolling his eyes.

"But it's my date."

He ignores her question, and turns to her, "Where to next?"

"Miniature golf!" She exclaims, and pulls his hand and he follows her out, "It's the number 1 most recommended date activity."

"Did you google this?" He teases her, and slings an arm around her waist.

"Yes, I did, actually." She admits, and shrugs her shoulders. She didn't know what a good date was on instinct.

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to bend until you break

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

You don’t have try, try , try 

"Did you have a good time?"

He walked her up to her apartment, and followed her inside out of habit, closing the door behind him.

"Hm, oh yeah. It was great." He smiles, his hands in his jeans.

What now? April wonders. Does she ask him if he'd like to do it again sometime? Is she expected to say something? Is he going to say it?

"Um, April, listen, about tonight...." He begins, scratching his neck, walking towards her.

She sighs, knowing rejection when she hears it. She really did give it her all, tonight, tried to be the best version of herself. She spoke less, was a lot more nonchalant when it came to things and managed to keep her voice at a lower octave. This was the best version of herself, but it wasn't enough, it seemed. She tried so hard, she tried her best, and she stepped far out of every comfort zone she knew, to do it.

"I know," She smiles, hoping her voice doesn't break, "It's fine, really, you don't have to. I... we can still," she gestures to the bedroom, "if you want."

"Oh, I do... it's just, what exactly do you know?"

"You don't want to date me," She shrugs, biting her lip hard, not not cry. It was embarrassing enough she thought she could pull it off, she didn't need to cry about it, "I get it, really I do. I just, I don't know, wanted to convince you I wasn't just good for sex."

"April, what the hell makes you think I think you're just good for sex? I'm your best friend. Do you think I'd ever stoop low enough to see you as just this sex object that I can sleep with whenever I want to. Is that what you think?"

He sounds angry, and she's a little taken aback. She wasn't insulting him, of course not, she was just pointing out the obvious. She wasn't sure why he couldn't understand that.

"No, no. I don't. You're wonderful. You wouldn't... that's not what I meant. I meant-"

He doesn't let her finish because he's slightly fuming, and she's a little worried now.

"And what makes you think I don't want to date you? I-" He stops pacing, and looks up at her, "You asked me out because you thought all I wanted from you was sex?"

He looks so hurt, it breaks her heart.

She nods, "I didn't think you would want to... date me."

"April, why-why the hell would you think that?" He asks her, eyes wide.

"Um, I... I'm not like the other girls."

"Other girls?"

"The ones boys like."

"April....." He whispers, and she feels him walking towards her. He sits down on the couch and takes her hand, pulling him to the seat next to her, "I was confused abouttonight, because, I don't know, you were acting so unlike yourself. You were quiet, and strangely calm, I was just confused. It was like this different person."

"I wanted to be less...." Her voice trails off, as she drops her gaze to her lap.

"Less what?"

"Less me."

He sighs, and puts her stray curl behind her ear, "April, I really like you. You! Not whoever this person is. These clothes, the way you've been acting, it's not you. I just wanted to go to on a date with my smart, kinda, funny, gorgeous best friend."

She darts her head towards him, eyes wide, "G-gorgeous?"

"Ofcourse you are, why would you- I've never said that before have I?" He waits for her to nod, and groans deeply, running a hand over his face, "I'm an idiot."

"What? No you're not, Jackson. You-"

"No, don't defend me, please. I'm an idiot. I'm the asshole who was to afraid to ask you out so I made you feel like complete crap instead. I'm the guy who sleeps with his best friend and never told her how devastatingly beautiful she was, and acted like all she was good for was sex. Don't defend that guy, April." He looks away from her, but she can see how guilty he is.

She never meant for him to beat himself down, that had never been her intention. But something he'd said had struck a chord with April, and it made her perk up.

"Did you just say... you were too afraid to ask me out?" She wanted to laugh. What did he have anything to be insecure about?

"That's why I laughed in the morning. God, you probably thought- Nevermind. I just found it funny because, I didn't think you'd want to date me." He shrugs, and she can't help but laugh loudly, throwing her head back against the couch.

"Why the heck wouldn't I date you?" She was really starting to think he was pranking her.

"You're too good for me," Jackson tells her, "God, I mean April, you're perfect. You're this beautiful, intelligent, incredible person. You're so well adjusted, and normal. You don't have abandonment issues or a family that think all you're good at is being pretty. You don't have walls to intentionally keep people out, and you don't have a problem putting your heart out there, because your strong enough to deal with rejection. You're.... amazing, and you can do- you deserve so much more than I can ever give you."

She doesn't say anything for a while, because she's not sure how to respond to all this. Never, in all the time they spent together, has she ever considered the possibility of Jackson having insecurities. He's perfect in her eyes, and she's not merely speaking of his looks. Sure, he was stubborn, and had a mean streak, but he was still perfect to her. She couldn't believe he'd think so.... low of himself. The hypocrisy didn't go unnoticed by her.

"No, Jackson. No, my god, how could you even think that," She kneels before him, and takes his face into her hands, turning his gaze away from the floor to focus on hers, "I... I'm the one who doesn't deserve you, that's why I did all this."

"You were always perfect to me, April. Way before all this. When you were just my best friend, and I didn't even consider anything more, you were still perfect. You were this slightly annoying, neurotic, but crazy smart, and beautiful mess," He takes her in for a slight second, "Perfect."

She blushes, and it takes her a time to grasp all the things he's saying. He likes the things she hates so much about herself. He doesn't like her despite it, but also because of it.

"I don't care about all the stupid things you think I care about," April replies, hoisting herself up on to his lap. She places her hands on his shoulders, and his hands curls themselves perfectly around her waist, "A parent did something terrible to you, and that's not something you just get over, I don't expect you to. I like you just fine, all stubborn and grumpy."

He cracks a smile at that, "I'm damaged goods, April. You deserve shiny and new."

"Do not ever say you're damaged. You just have a lot of hurt in your heart, and I don't want you to ever feel guilty for that. It does not make you damaged, or broken or whatever slew of adjectives I know is running through your head right now. Okay?"

He nods, although she can tell he's not utterly convinced, "Okay."

She sighs, knowing that all the issues Jackson had weren't going to solved suddenly just became she says so. Some of it he has to deal with himself.

"Come on." He tells her, standing up, and in the process carrying her in his arms, bridal style.

Take your make up off

Let your hair down

Take a breath

Look into the mirror, at yourself

Don't you like you?

She squeals a bit when he gently deposits her onto the bed of her room, and wanders off to her bathroom without a word. He's been to her place before, they were...are best friends, and if she was paying enough attention, possibly more than that. He comes out, carrying a container and she squints her eyes to see what it is.

"Are those makeup wipes?" She questions, raising a brow. What was he doing?

"Yep." He says, "You look gorgeous, with or without makeup, although I personally prefer you without it, it doesn't really matter what I prefer. If you like wearing makeup because it's fun, and artsy and you just like spending $35 on an eyeliner, be my guest. But if you're wearing it because you think I mind seeing your freckles, and dark under eyes, and acne scars, then you really have no reason to wear it."

He takes out a wipe, slowly running it across her face. She's a little dumbfounded, because this is really the last thing she'd thought he was ever going to do. He takes his time, and soon, it's all off and he runs a wet towel across her face.

"There.... just as perfect." He smiles, kissing the tip of her nose.

She giggles, and is honestly unsure what to do about this turn of events.

"Okay, next comes the dress. Hands up," He instructs her, and she does as he says, and he pulls it off of her, "This is gorgeous, you look amazing in it, that's what I was going to say earlier before you cut me off. But it's also not you. I have a feeling you wore it to impress me, and it's sweet, really, but you don't have to. I like you in a potato sack."

She laughs, and shakes her head at him, "I'd look horrible in a potato sack, it's totally not my colour."

He chuckles at her horrible attempt at a joke, "What? Muddy brown would look great on you!"

They laugh together while Jackson manages to take off the shoes that had been giving her an insane amount of pain all night. He takes a foot in his hand, and it's red and slightly swollen and she sees him wince.

"Okay, never, wear these again," He throws the pair across the room, almost as if it's their fault she's hurt,"I love your cat ear flats."

"You think they're ridiculous." She points out.

"Ridiculously cute." He retorts.

She makes a promise to go back and get her money, she's more than happy to trade those in for some nice, low heels.

"I mean, I'm not complaining about these," He winks, running a finger on top of the red lace lingerie she bought just for tonight.

She blushes furiously, and feels a highly self conscious when she realizes that he's never seen her under this harsh light. She brings her hands up to her body, folds into herself.

He notices, "Oh no you don't, come on," he pushes her arms out of the way and smiles to himself, "You are incredibly sexy, you know that. It's kinda why I haven't been able to get my thoughts straight for one second."

"Jackson, what are you doing?" She asks him, now slightly exasperated with his behavios. She didn't need him feeling guilty about not having said these things before. Or worse, saying them out of pity.

"Right now? Choosing between your bunny PJs and the unicorn ones," He's holding up two different pairs, glancing between them, "Bunny! It's better than the rainbow vomit explosion you've got going here."

He tosses her unicorn pajamas on the bed, and walks up to her. She holds her arms out, and he begins to dress her, concentrating on his task.

"Jackson? You didn't answer my question." She points out, as he pulls the pants over her hips.

"Adorable. Now you're just missing bunny ears." He grins.

"Jackson!" She huffs frustratedly, crossing her arms in front of her.

"I'm trying to show you that this is the girl I slept with in San Francisco, and wanted to continue sleeping with after that. Not whoever it is you feel you have to be to impress me or some shit," He pulls her on her feet, and takes her hair out of her bun, running his hands through the freed curls, "I think you're gorgeous at 10 in the night, after a long shift, in bunny pajamas and no makeup. Do you know why?"

She shakes her head.

"It's because this is you, April. I like you. This you. The real you. You don't have to try so damn hard to make me like you, because I like you just fine in your most natural habitat. You're my best friend. I've always liked you, just like this. You don't have to try. Not for me, not for anyone. You just have to be."

She feels tears threaten to fall, but she holds them back up, because she doesn't want him to misinterpret it. Out of all the things he'd told her tonight, that had been the most special. No one has ever in her life told her that she didn't have to try her hardest, bend over backwards, to be liked. That it was enough that she just was herself. He wasn't excusing her, he wasn't denying that she was crazy sometimes and a little neurotic, he was saying it didn't matter because it made her... her, and there was nothing wrong with that. She beamed.

"You're the best best friend anyone could ask for." She tells him, and he laughs.

"We sound like we're 13. I feel like I should go and make you a friendship bracelet." He jokes.

"Well, I actually do have beads and yarn." She tells him, her eyes gleaming.

"Uh, why not?" He shrugs and sits down on the bed, after taking his tie off, and pulling down a couple of buttons.

She brings everything and sets it up on her bed. They begin their tasks, Jackson surprising her with his excellent technique. She figures it has something to do with being a plastic surgeon.

"Hey, Jackson?" She says, and he looks up  at her, "This is the best date I've ever had."

He smiles, and leans forward, "Me too. Wanna do it again sometime?"

Her breath falls short, and it takes her a moment to realize that everything she worried about was for nothing. She needed to work on her insecurities. She knew that. But he gave her a reason to. She didn't suddenly feel perfect, just because he said she was. But, she wanted to. One day. She wanted to because she didn't want to feel like she had to be anything but herself anymore to impress someone. She wanted to because she didn't want to feel like she had to impress someone in the first place.

"I'd love that." She says, and kisses him softly on the lips.

"Now quit distracting me," He waved her off, and falls back down on the bed, "My one is going to be way prettier."

She chuckles, and grins to herself. She needed to be kind to herself, and love herself more. For her, and for him.

Cause I like you

Thank you for reading!

Side Note:I hope none of you wonderful human beings ever have to feel like this. <3